Wednesday, April 06, 2005

the fury of the fish

i apologize in advance for the italics. it's unavoidable today. & they do say, people who think in italics should be watched, eh? preferably from a comfortable distance.

is it the new moon? is it the edge of my seat? is it the fact that it's spring if i close my eyes & listen, but all i see is concrete & glass, telephone poles & taxis?
hah. spring. call this spring? cause i don't. spring is walks & things slowly becoming green & milder evenings, & maybe a bonfire on a really nice night under a moon, & a feeling of renewal & energy, &...well, not this crap.
pong, pong, pong.
the sound of my voice in the void.

i thought, mayhap i should not vent my personal frustrations with my current circumstances here, where any one of a dozen of the current cast of characters could peruse it for pointed comments aimed at them. but then i thought, HA! nobody i usually see gives a damn what i have to say! they've never been here, why should they start now? self-absorbed & insulated group, what? never have i still felt like a hanger-on having known people for more than 2 years. this's the pits, i gotta get out of here.

well, Why not? you say. Are you not a charming & vivacious lunatic with a winning grin? can't you dance? Staten Island, bastion of provinciality & small-town bigotries that it is, is still a vast place (& a little frightening in its sameness, considering how big it is), is there not a bar, a cafe, a downtown cruising area, wherein you could meet & greet shining new faces?
in a word, no.
there have been cool bar scenes, but in the short time i've lived here they've already gone. most recently it's byebye Martini Red, & whatever's really going on there. & on most visits to the (one) decent cafe i've generally been bored, almost to tears or a nap. bored, me! that's a high-water mark.

& don't say, "why don't you go to Manhattan?" because that's a long way to go every day for a life, & i'm not rich enough.

with all honesty, i genuinely like at least half the people round here that i see regularly, the social circle, as it were, & there are others that are generally likeable (if you understand the difference), & truth be told i don't want to deal with the randomized introductions in bars & the small talk & superficial associations & the constant risk that the stranger guys aren't befriending me, they're hitting on me, & the stranger girls--well, i'll exercise restraint there. if you can't say something nice, don't say anything, right? grrrrrrrr.

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
Bilbo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring, J.R.R. Tolkein

why should i want to deal with that when i already know so many people i'd so much rather have conversations with? if i wanted that i would have stayed in New Brunswick, which is ten times hipper & more exciting than this place. if you can believe that. (er, i s'pose many of you won't know New Bismarque, as it were. college hospital town on a river, cloyingly known as "Hub City", currently undergoing massive "gentrification" (re: construction), & home of a restaurant scene the likes of which i'd never seen before. it's almost incestuous.)

all this is probably exacerbated by the fact that i've been unemployed for months now, my medical & legal situation is stalled, as is my endeavor to get back into school, etc. etc. etc. this is somewhat my fault, or at least can be attributed to my laziness. on the other hand, i've always found the best opportunities through people i've known, & i just don't know enough people round here, & the ones i do know can't be bothered.

but the spark that fired the powder on this rant was my mounting excitement for a trip up to Niagara falls, surrounded by linguists, one of whom is an old & most dear (much-missed) friend who now lives in Vancouver. (& mysfit lives in Boulder, & G lives in begin to see my problem?) this is a manageable weekend trip, right? 8 hours each way, never seen Niagara Falls (or Canada) before, old friend, students of language, whee! up on Saturday, back Sunday night. perfectly reasonable.
except boyfriend's stupid & oblivious band schedules a gig at a frat house on that Saturday night. late. for Earth Day, even if Earth Day's the following weekend. fuckers. our trip was at the very least brought into conversation. but it's just us, right? we're sporting people, no need to pay attention to us. grrrrrrrr.

so much for a nice getaway.

tomorrow--or even later today--i'm sure i'll be feeling much more philosophical about all this.
i think at the heart it comes down to a standard human condition: loneliness. cue rainy scene, girl with red umbrella, singing "i don't belong here" song, with violins.

i guess i'll go to the park & befriend a man with a hat & sketchbook, or some such.

9 little fish:

Blogger phylos swam up to say...

Sometimes, one is never so alone as when surrounded by people. You sound like you need the break - can't you just go anyway?

I have a week off from next Wednesday afternoon. I need it so bad. I'm stuck in a job (at 37) which i hate, which inspires me not one jot, but it pays well. I went to university late, at 26, got in so much debt i have to do it. I'll be debt free in June. Then i start saving. I want to be a paramedic but it means 12 months training on a low wage. It's my goal. And i'll do it.

Sh1t - this should be about you not me - i can't get all this out on my site though - too many colleagues read it. Not all of them would be chuffed if i said i was planning a week of doing nothing but reading, writing and smoking weed!! Fuck 'em.

I hope you find some calm.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Carl V. swam up to say...

Thank you so much for sharing with us. You shouldn't feel bad at all for sharing the occasional bad day...every post need not be witty or clever. Sometimes posts like these are the most inspirational.

I had one of these moments recently that I posted about on my blog:

As empty as the words sound I would encourage you to ride this out and glean from it any lessons there are to be learned. Also use it to motivate you to do the things you really want to do.

Whenever I am feeling a little down I head over to and watch the short "A Knock at the Duir" always inspires me.

You are an attractive, intelligent, and very fun young lady and I'm sure that there are many like-minded individual's even in your neck of the woods who would be as thrilled to be acquainted with you as the rest of us are. Its hard being downright sucks! But you're in our thoughts and prayers and little hug fishies are heading your way!

3:53 PM  
Blogger jenn see swam up to say...

heeeeeeeere, fishy fishy fishy

3:59 PM  
Blogger jenn see swam up to say...

heeey, wait a minute--
i thought i was being witty & clever.

4:00 PM  
Blogger Carl V. swam up to say...

Oh no! She's using my words against me!!!!

4:33 PM  
Blogger banzai cat swam up to say...

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Isn't it funny that living in a place for so long, it has a tendency to become smaller in your eye? Especially the people: small-minded, shallow, back-biting... *grumble* *grumble*

Still, I can't picture you except as Delirium so maybe a school of balloon-fishes will cheer you up.

That and a cookie.

12:12 AM  
Blogger anne swam up to say...

Hey, hope you feel better (even though you're still indeed witty and clever).

1:09 AM  
Blogger jenn see swam up to say...

a platonic cookie?

1:02 PM  
Blogger banzai cat swam up to say...

Hmmm... let me ask Plato if he's okay with that. ;-)

12:20 AM  

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