Sunday, June 19, 2005

in nomine patris piscis.

my father & i.

wanted to say happy father's day to daddies everywhere.
thinking about my father, i'd have to say he'd be pleased with me & my life, with who i am, & also more than a little frustrated. more or less how i feel about it.

i've definitely got a thing about father-daughter relationships. i do wish less of it was hypothetical, but we take what we get.

& i don't think anyone stops missing a father who's gone, which only goes to prove my point.

post-script: i've talked here about my father before, in re: military life, childhood film, & in memoriam.

14 little fish:

Blogger Carl V. swam up to say...

I may have said similar things the last time you posted about your dad but let me say once again that I'm truly sorry for your loss. Even more so considering how young you were (are) and all the father/daughter stuff that you miss. You make me even more cognizant of the need to cherish each day with Tori.

I think you're father is probably very pleased with the woman you are and are becoming.

1:27 PM  
Blogger Daniel Heath swam up to say...

my father, who, thankfully, is still kicking it on this plane of existence, is a minister... which means he spends a hell of a lot of his time with folks whose fathers/mothers/etc. have just taken off for good. so naturally when I was helping someone plan a memorial service a while back, I asked him what you say, and he said something similiar to what you just wrote... that is, that no one stops missing a father (mother/child/etc.). he says a lot of people he talks to feel like they ought to just hurry up and 'get over it', and feel guilty/foolish/ashamed when they can't. he argues that it's not something you ever 'get over' because the loss never goes away. the lost father never stops being important. the only thing you can do is deal with the change in your life, and that's not the same thing. you seek, in his words, 'a measure of peace.'

so, to steal a line from the old man, 'may you find a measure of peace.'

8:20 PM  
Blogger Chemical Billy swam up to say...

Thank you for posting this, jenn. The photo is such a hit of nostalgia, he looks like a lovely man.

11:11 PM  
Blogger LiVEwiRe swam up to say...

That picture says so much... it's truly a wonderful thing!

11:22 PM  
Blogger mysfit swam up to say...

i love this pic of you

11:39 PM  
Blogger Carl V. swam up to say...

Nice thoughts also, monkey. There certainly does seem to be an unspoken push in society for people to deal with their grief quickly and move on. Working through your grief is certainly necessary but it is ridiculous and unhealthy to try to do this in a few 'quick and easy steps'. Missing someone is one of the exquisite pains of life, and its perfectly okay to do so.

7:54 AM  
Blogger mysfit swam up to say...

i agree - people should not be ashamed if mourning continues - people are the most important things in our lives and losing someone close, like a father, is not something to "get over" and "move on" - i think our dear jenn see has spent a long time thinking over the words above and am glad to see that she has accepted her grief as healthy, even after all this time

11:53 AM  
Blogger jenn see swam up to say...

carl v: thanks. i like to think that some shape or form of my father is still aware of me somehow. after all, i'm a part of him too. he's probably grinning.

& as much as that kind of loss is grievous, it really does change your view of the world & of loved ones; it's all well & good to say you appreciate them, but when it hits you, really hits you, that they won't be there forever, it strengthens the bonds that you have, makes them richer, more permanent.

monkey: there are no words, no things to say, to really comfort someone in that situation, but just being there as a sounding board/confessional for someone who needs to talk can be the most difficult & noble thing to do for that person.
i have found my "measure of peace" with his absence, though it is one of those things that occasionally inspires me to rail at the universe. "why me?". but then, why anybody? it's a part of life. it helps to know that my dad lived his life "brightly, brightly, & with beauty". he was both very aware of his humanity & wholly convinced that there was more going on than the mere material. it also helped that, for whatever reasons, we had several conversations about death & the afterlife shortly before he died. i had some unusual notions about it, because he did, but knowing how he felt about it was a comfort.

billy: it is rather a dose of nostalgia, isn't it, whether you knew him or not. i think that has to do in part with the Mickey Mouse i'm dangling about.

he was the sort of man that no one could forget once you'd known him at all.

livewire: i'm very lucky to have many photos of me & my father. (i was the first child of my generation, so i was a bit of a novelty.) it does say a lot--& the photos keep the memories intact. i see a lot of my father in my little brother (ha! "little". he's like six two.)
he was only 5 when my father died, so it's even more important to me that in some fashion i help him hang on to whatever memories he has.
i am very glad, for his sake, that my mother married another good man to be a father figure to him. strange, though, that even so, my father's personality is inherent in my brother's; it shines through (which is a surreal experience at times).
heredity is a strange thing.

mysfit: me too. it's the earliest known pic of me with "the look" (which i inherited from me mum, not me dad).
it occurs to me that i don't think i've seen any photos of you ever at around this age. hmmmmm.

12:08 PM  
Blogger mysfit swam up to say...

they don't exist - i swear - i swear i don't have any photo books of my early years - not even the onw given to me around my 21st B-day - it is not a family tradition - and does not exist

1:08 PM  
Blogger Hannibal swam up to say...

Liked your post Jenn. I did, in fact, find myself in it.

2:05 PM  
Blogger jenn see swam up to say...

hannibal: it's one of those ultimate common experiences for humans.

monkey: have not read the Nausicaa manga. didn't know there was one. didn't know Nausicaa was Nausicaa til a couple months ago. will surely investigate now.

2:39 PM  
Blogger LiVEwiRe swam up to say...

Jenn - It really is amazing that your 'little' brother has taken on some of your father's characteristics and traits. It's also a special thing in my opinion, that you show such interest in the memories he has of your father. What a good sis!

5:41 PM  
Blogger jenn see swam up to say...

i try. i think i baffle him sometimes.

4:40 PM  
Blogger Anonymous Poet swam up to say...

Nostalgic and cute!

10:44 PM  

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