Friday, June 22, 2007

“No good fish goes anywhere without a porpoise” -- Lewis Carroll

Dear fish,

it’s amazing how a year can go by just like that. it’s just like Relativity to force each day to crawl by in agonizing slowness, but for a year to splash by like a raindrop. i blame Einstein - it was his idea after all.

for those of you who have followed your fish to this site for the first time, know that today we are looking to the stars hoping for any sign of our missing fish:

for those of you looking for some connection, some words of comfort, some well, some kind of fish anyway, i have only a poor shadow of a dream to share, but hopefully it will suffice.

through many trials and tribulations, i descended through the house and out the backdoor. at the entrance to Styx Ave, a woman stopped me because i could not take a bottle of living water onto the street. i quickly drained the water, backing up only slightly because i knew the guardian was trying to turn me away. once through, i strolled down the sidewalk and there i saw her, huddled with some lost souls on the other side of the road.

she was wrapped head to toe in a fusion of fashions that nonetheless looked fabulous on her (but you knew it would). she was wearing two pairs of dark sunglasses so that i could not see her eyes. she stood up when she saw me and the movement cause her glasses to fall off - but she scurried to get them back on and grinned. we bantered a bit about this fully knowing that had i seen her eyes, the dream would have ended, such was the rule of the dream.

at this point we began walking, me on this side of the street and her on the other. we talked of many things that, like dreamthings often do, faded instantly upon waking, but were comforting in their time.

there was one point that was important - one thing I have to share. while we were bantering, i thought of saying a thing but before i could, she spoke it to me instead. and as we walked in conversation, she passed through buildings so that i could only see her through windows and could not speak to her, yet still she answered my unasked questions.

you must understand what this means: that she is able to glimpse our minds from time to time and knows when we are thinking of her - and perhaps in those times, since distance as we know it in our living bodies no longer applies to jennifer, take comfort in the belief that such a connection brings you "closer" to her than when she was alive.


for a wonderful tribute to jenn please visit stainless steel droppings - (thank you carl v. for saying many of the things that i cannot)

i love you all. i miss her dearly.

mysfit

13 little fish:

Anonymous Anonymous swam up to say...

Okay, this is the second time I tried to post this and I have had too much wine. So I will do this tomorrow so I won't sound like an idiot. Love, o.m

8:51 PM  
Blogger Paul G. swam up to say...

I hardly knew this little fish, but still feel the wave of her passing

9:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous swam up to say...

I am blown away by this post. You are so lucky to find her in your dreams. You will always have a connection with her and I am sure she will swim up to visit you again. I miss her. See you in Sept.Cynthia

9:44 AM  
Blogger Carl V. swam up to say...

Well done Mysfit. It is so good to experience your voice again. And it is so good to have a post again on the fish, eventhough it be a sad reminder of the day one year ago when it all came to an unexpected halt. On one hand the year has went by quickly and on the other it seems like its been forever (for me) since that horrible day that I came over here for my daily visit to find that she was gone. I have never been so shocked by anything I read online ever. I still think back to how I sat there hoping this was some horrible joke that you three had cooked up for some nefarious purpose...it just couldn't be real. Oh how I wish these 365 days later that this had been the case. I'm so glad we still have this site around to remember and to point others to in order to be able to go back and relive what it was like when the three of you were creating marvelously unique posts. I was surprised as I looked back at some old posts yesterday how much I have been influenced by this site on my own blog. I had forgotten where some of my roots sprung up and it was nice to be reminded.

Thanks again, Mysfit, this post is really appreciated.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Elenka swam up to say...

What's up, Mysfit? Thought of you when I had my friend Swan visit last week (she moved to Denver a few months ago – she’s really funny).

Jenn!! - but like you say, Mysfit, she's in so many places. One example: I drove to the airport, picking up a friend, and I'm drivin', cruisin' to a mix CD she made for me, and as I'm driving, the lyric of the song mentions bending around a curve RIGHT when I'm doing that. Little things like that make me feel giddy that she's watching or just knows what's up & is sending a lil' love :)

Yesterday morning was the 22nd. Exactly a year ago, I was on a train, far away from my friends (…with whom I wished I had gone to Bonnaroo with, but was comforted anyway when Jenn sent me a simple myspace message saying she missed me) ... i sang a song out onto the rolling green hills of the Czech Republic. I felt strange. Couldn't really tell why. But I thought of Jenn, and sang "I'll Fly Away"...

The funny thing, one year later, Conrad woke me up early, and we walked out to the bayfront. We were watching the sun rise. There were some clouds, but the kind that make interesting shapes. The water was an intense steely color, with little pointy waves - like hypnotizing dolphin fins. The sun peaks out, I take a picture, and there's a boat sitting right in front of me ~ I didn't notice it's name until I looked at it as the sun shone:
"Fly Away" ! ~ Her way of saying she likes where she’s at?...

* * * *
Dar-ling,
Let’s have some fun
How ‘ bout we drink some
Angel rum?

I don’t care – ok, well, YEAH, I do - that you’re not here
But I try to think
You’re over there, and there
~ you’re everywhere!

But, still, it’s quiet,
Oh, so quiet
A different kind of sound…
Fumbling to hear your white noise?
Without you while with?...

How many people miss you?

The missing is too much

but when I swallow wine,
It’s like you’re in each and every cup

(sidenote: ever hear that song by Nick Cave “Girl at the Bottom of My Glass” ?
Whatever connotation that has in that song, whatever,
...just have my own thoughts when I hear that, and think of ya and jolly times, mixed with the frustration of missing you. …Neat –o guitar riff in that song, ay?)

I want to party,
But I also wish I got to spend more time with you, Jenn,
And talk about whatever…silly things, special things, secret things… I liked your laugh. It’s recorded in my head. Couldn’t we have started a garden together? …

So, I’m headed toward the “Emerald Coast,” as they call it in Florida… do some archaeology work in Ft. Walton Beach, by the air force base. For about a month and a half. what d’ya think we’ll find?? ;)
mmm… treasure? By the way, C & I made a treasure chest cake for my sister’s wedding on the 9th – Jenn, I think you would’ve loved it (it was gooooood). – By the way, I recall one time hanging out one night in Staten Island w/ Penny, & Jenn and Tim were baking a certain cake that Jenn’s Mom would make? Something like … half brownie/ half cake? Some sort of decadent birthday cake?.... it was really, really good….

Miss ya, Jenn. I can only hope that all the people you’ve loved are well, doing ok (more than ok!!! Fab-u-lously!!!), and fighting hard to wash away the painful tears… to remember all those sloppy, happy, giddy tears we shared…Like when we drove around Staten Island at night, making strange animal sounds ;)

luv duvs,

~elaine

12:08 PM  
Blogger Suzanna Danna swam up to say...

I thought of you all today and our little fish. I thought of you and followed a link back here. I truly don't want to come to this place bacause it makes my heart hurt and if I cry at work again, they may think I am soft in the head. Thank you for posting your dream mysfit... it will be how I see her for a little while until another picture takes the place.
Much love and sorrow,
Susan

11:38 AM  
Blogger banzai cat swam up to say...

*places paw on your hand*

11:44 PM  
Blogger LiVEwiRe swam up to say...

I waited a few days before I stopped by. I suppose it's one of those things where you know what you're going to see and want to just hold off on seeing the inevitable. One year. The moment I came I knew it was silly to wait; there is much love for Jenn. Carl's post was amazing and here, the words are always right. Proof that the passage of time does not diminish honest love and admiration.

11:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous swam up to say...

Its nice to see fishies swimming up and posting comments. I am sure she is giggling and doing her damnd'est to make us know she is out there. o.m/cyn

6:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous swam up to say...

Hi, Just went into the archives and read her post for 4th of July. Well, not all of it since it was The Declaration of Independence. sigh!
Cyn/o.m.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Chemical Billy swam up to say...

What a beautiful, living dream. Thanks, mysfit.

12:15 AM  
Blogger anne swam up to say...

thank you, Mysfit.

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous swam up to say...

Mysfit, Jennsee continues to amaze all of us. Check your email! Love you, o.m./cyn

8:16 PM  

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