Saturday, June 24, 2006

crystalizing fish

thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. i know we all need them.

my love and light is gone. i will not hold her again. i will not smell her again. i will not feel her again. i will not see her smile nor hear he laugh again. she will never again say "is that my love?" from our control room here when i come home from work. i have felt so much pain and grief and anger in the past two days to fill up several lifetimes, but these emotions will not get the best of me. jenn would not have wanted it.

when life gives you shit you have to kick it in the fucking teeth.

instead of posting one long rambling entry about jenn i am going to be posting individual and focused ones. they will come when they do and they will not stop, even when my tears do. there are also several draft entries that jenn never got the chance to finish. i will be posting these as best i can, for i cannot know what she had intended for them or what it was they were waiting for the be finished.

situations like this were made for cliches, so here's one.

it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

most recent and final photo of jenn and i, home from bonnaroo and happy, 6/19/06

jenn was, is, and always will be a part of my life, and i'd have it no other way. if you have love, or if you're still finding it, hold it and cherish it when you do. never go to bed angry and never underestimate the importance of saying i love you. jenn has taught me how to love. really, wholly, and unabashedly love.

at present i am in our home, alone, acclimating myself to being here without her yet surrounded by her. i am here for proxy, but how do you console a cat? she's one of the many pieces i still have left of jenn and i will hold and cherish her for as long as she remains with me. i hope you don't mind, mysfit. ;-) she's clawed me once already and i gave her a kiss for it.

you always hear about people dreaming of lost loved ones. how they came to them in a dream and spoke with them one last time. until now i have chalked that up to subconscious trickery. something the psyche does to help us deal with loss. i dreamt of jenn the night we lost her. she said goodbye and that she loves and misses everyone. she wishes she could come back, but she knows she can't. when i tell you that i felt her....that i actually reached out and touched her, you may or may not believe me, but it's given me a little bit more of the resolution that i so badly need right now. there will never be such a thing as closure.

einstein: time?
crichton: wounds all heals.

if you are in the area and so inclined, jenn's celebration, we're not calling it a funeral, will be held on tuesday morning, 6/27 at 11am at

wimberg funeral home
1707 new road
linwood, nj 08221

please do not send flowers. we are setting up a scholarship fund for artists and musicians in jenn's name. we feel that this will be a good way to further jenn's legacy. anything you'd like to donate, no matter what or how much, would be graciously received. when i have more information, i will publish it here on the fish.

in parting, some of jenn's favorite bands and artists

the smiths
arcade fire
bright eyes
regina spektor
pink floyd
the moody blues
clap your hands say yeah
nick cave
the flaming lips

again, thank you all, from the bottom of what's left of my heart.


11 little fish:

Blogger jkirlin swam up to say...

My deepest sympathies, oldben.

11:10 PM  
Blogger mysfit swam up to say...

i love you oldben

1:39 AM  
Blogger Carl V. swam up to say...

In addition to Jenn See and her family and the others who knew and loved her I have said many a prayer and shed many a tear for you this weekend OB. I'm sure its the fact that I am a male and that my imaginings of losing the love of my life cannot even begin to compare to the reality of what you are going through right now. I know that you and Mysfit and her family will all get through this, the creative, life-loving spark that exists in all of you and your knowledge of how Jenn would want you all to continue will bring you through, but that doesn't stop the hurting or fill the empty place of loss.

Indeed, as you mentioned on my post, I have been a very big fan of the fish since early in its inception. I have sensed and reveled in a kindrid spirit with the three of you for a little over a year now and even from my distance the loss is hard to take. So you will always be in my thoughts and prayers and I will be here to support you and enjoy the continuing memory of Jenn through your posts and thoughts.

11:54 AM  
Blogger romeodying swam up to say...

ben i never met you but i knew jen and i am truly and absolutely sorry for your lose

9:04 PM  
Blogger heatherpink swam up to say...

I was only begining my friendship with Jenn(I'm from web-pix). I posted a photo for her,and she did not comment. I now know why. I am in so much shock. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that she is really gone. I can't even imagine what her closest loved ones are going through.
For her friends and family, I'm so incredibly sorry for the pain you are going through right now.
I visited her blog, and commented from time to time recently, she was so talented.
I will miss her so much. She was so young, it's not fair.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

12:12 AM  
Blogger Prmod Bafna swam up to say...

I was only beginning to discover her photography which i took to so dearly and was away for a week.. sw this when i came back and i can't express how shocking it is, she was so talented, and from what i could make out, fun-loving, free-spirited the kind who would grab life by the horns and send it in a tizzy. Sometimes its really not fair when such things happen, may her soul rest in peace and her legacy reach heights. I'm very sorry about your loss Ben must be very hard, We will always be here and Jenn will remain amongst us in our expression. She epitomised it.

9:02 AM  
Blogger Clo swam up to say...

I am from Web-Pix too.

First, you have to know that english is not my mother tongue, so please, forgive me if it sound strange sometimes.

I just read your post and I was crying all along. I lost my boyfriend six years ago. He was young, 47, but not as young as Jenn. OMG, do I understand what you are going through. There is not really any advice I can give you to help, I'm sorry. You will have to find your way through this mourning by yourself, though there is persons who can help you if you want. I know there is group in the US as there is here in Canada. I never went to those group though, I prefered to read some books. It can be very helpfull too.

You are entering a very difficult period of your life, but also a very profound period. I mean by that that you will find many beautiful things in that mourning. Maybe it's not the right time to say that to you, but it is true. You probably will experience very special things.

I don't have any advice to give, I don't think I am that perfect! But what I just see right now and right here is a young and very sincere young man.

The "cliché" you just said is so damn right: you had the privileged of being loved, and that love you had with Jenn will always be with you.

Now, aunt Clo as talked too much, as usual....

10:20 PM  
Blogger merlinprincesse swam up to say...

My sympathy is with you. From another member of Web-Pix. Helene.

10:25 PM  
Blogger . swam up to say...

I'm also a member of Web-Pix, and Jenn was a splendor to us there, she always had kind and encouraging words.

The picture you posted is very beautiful, thank you for sharing it.

I have no idea how you will get through this, oldben, but we are here to read your words and to pray for you.

11:33 AM  
Blogger EviLibraGyrl swam up to say...

sigh... i think you know how i feel, and what i might say. ...and breathe.

8:08 AM  
Anonymous sm36 swam up to say...

As I said above to mysfit, I'm here because of Prmod's lovely tribute on his blog.
My heart aches for you, my eyes brim with tears and I have no words to truly comfort you.
Yes, the cliche "better to have loved and lost than not at all" is true, but so very painful now. I'm glad you are holding on to those precious memories that will *always* be with you, *always be a part of Jenn* with you.

The music/art idea is lovely. (Adore the Moody Blues...)
Again, deep condolences to you and all those family and friends who knew her.

9:02 PM  

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