crystalizing fish

thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. i know we all need them.

my love and light is gone. i will not hold her again. i will not smell her again. i will not feel her again. i will not see her smile nor hear he laugh again. she will never again say "is that my love?" from our control room here when i come home from work. i have felt so much pain and grief and anger in the past two days to fill up several lifetimes, but these emotions will not get the best of me. jenn would not have wanted it.

when life gives you shit you have to kick it in the fucking teeth.

instead of posting one long rambling entry about jenn i am going to be posting individual and focused ones. they will come when they do and they will not stop, even when my tears do. there are also several draft entries that jenn never got the chance to finish. i will be posting these as best i can, for i cannot know what she had intended for them or what it was they were waiting for the be finished.

situations like this were made for cliches, so here's one.

it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.


most recent and final photo of jenn and i, home from bonnaroo and happy, 6/19/06

jenn was, is, and always will be a part of my life, and i'd have it no other way. if you have love, or if you're still finding it, hold it and cherish it when you do. never go to bed angry and never underestimate the importance of saying i love you. jenn has taught me how to love. really, wholly, and unabashedly love.

at present i am in our home, alone, acclimating myself to being here without her yet surrounded by her. i am here for proxy, but how do you console a cat? she's one of the many pieces i still have left of jenn and i will hold and cherish her for as long as she remains with me. i hope you don't mind, mysfit. ;-) she's clawed me once already and i gave her a kiss for it.

you always hear about people dreaming of lost loved ones. how they came to them in a dream and spoke with them one last time. until now i have chalked that up to subconscious trickery. something the psyche does to help us deal with loss. i dreamt of jenn the night we lost her. she said goodbye and that she loves and misses everyone. she wishes she could come back, but she knows she can't. when i tell you that i felt her....that i actually reached out and touched her, you may or may not believe me, but it's given me a little bit more of the resolution that i so badly need right now. there will never be such a thing as closure.

einstein: time?
crichton: wounds all heals.

if you are in the area and so inclined, jenn's celebration, we're not calling it a funeral, will be held on tuesday morning, 6/27 at 11am at

wimberg funeral home
1707 new road
linwood, nj 08221

please do not send flowers. we are setting up a scholarship fund for artists and musicians in jenn's name. we feel that this will be a good way to further jenn's legacy. anything you'd like to donate, no matter what or how much, would be graciously received. when i have more information, i will publish it here on the fish.

in parting, some of jenn's favorite bands and artists

the smiths
arcade fire
bright eyes
regina spektor
pink floyd
the moody blues
clap your hands say yeah
radiohead
nick cave
the flaming lips

again, thank you all, from the bottom of what's left of my heart.

-oldben